I'll take the first watch...

So it's the middle of the night and I've got a bad case of insomnia. My head is aching and my stomach is upset and an enormous feeling labeled "overwhelmed" is hovering somewhere in the middle of my chest. My lengthy disappearance from writing has been due to my recent surgery and attempt at recovery. Obviously I made through alive though not entirely unscathed. The surgery itself went well and I went home as scheduled though still in pretty rough shape, not being able to sit, stand, or do much else unsupported. Monday after my surgery I was overcome with unbearable nausea and by 10 that night after hours of throwing up I was sent back to the emergency room. Two days later I was released again and have managed to keep food down and stay out of the ER since then....just another ridiculous illness to add to my list, and all without any explanation as always. And now, as if I could stand to be kicked once more while down, I've been layed off of my last remaining job, the one as a nanny leaving me entirely without income and still struggling to just do day to day things without hurting myself or just simply becoming exhausted. The family I have faithfully worked for over the last year felt they couldn't wait for me to come back from this time out due to surgery and have replaced me. I guess I can't blame them but it's not how I hoped things would end. Then financial strain this has placed on Clarke and I is just unreasonable and my hope of finding an immediate job with my present limitations is poor at best and the guilt of knowing how much of this I brought upon us whether willingly or not is killing me even though Clarke repeatedly tells me it's not my fault. Doesn't stop me feeling that it is...I was the one who got sick, I was the one who lost two jobs in the last month, I was the one who needed money for this that and the other thing for this wedding for the rockettes for whatever. And now here we are. More than anything I ache for the stress this has put on him...he has so many other things on his mind. I am fervently praying God will bring something to me to help make ends meet, that I can find a new doctor here in MD, that Clarke won't end up selling his motorcycle. Funny though it may seem that thought just breaks my heart...we both love that bike and more so, all the memories of us going places on it together and our plans for more. It's like i put on my facebook, if God never gives us more than we can handle then He must have a lot of faith in me...because I just don't know how to process all of this. Please Lord give me the grace for this trial by fire...I know you have to be refining me somehow but all I feel is defeated and I need some supernatural strength now more than ever.