I'll take the first watch...

So it's the middle of the night and I've got a bad case of insomnia. My head is aching and my stomach is upset and an enormous feeling labeled "overwhelmed" is hovering somewhere in the middle of my chest. My lengthy disappearance from writing has been due to my recent surgery and attempt at recovery. Obviously I made through alive though not entirely unscathed. The surgery itself went well and I went home as scheduled though still in pretty rough shape, not being able to sit, stand, or do much else unsupported. Monday after my surgery I was overcome with unbearable nausea and by 10 that night after hours of throwing up I was sent back to the emergency room. Two days later I was released again and have managed to keep food down and stay out of the ER since then....just another ridiculous illness to add to my list, and all without any explanation as always. And now, as if I could stand to be kicked once more while down, I've been layed off of my last remaining job, the one as a nanny leaving me entirely without income and still struggling to just do day to day things without hurting myself or just simply becoming exhausted. The family I have faithfully worked for over the last year felt they couldn't wait for me to come back from this time out due to surgery and have replaced me. I guess I can't blame them but it's not how I hoped things would end. Then financial strain this has placed on Clarke and I is just unreasonable and my hope of finding an immediate job with my present limitations is poor at best and the guilt of knowing how much of this I brought upon us whether willingly or not is killing me even though Clarke repeatedly tells me it's not my fault. Doesn't stop me feeling that it is...I was the one who got sick, I was the one who lost two jobs in the last month, I was the one who needed money for this that and the other thing for this wedding for the rockettes for whatever. And now here we are. More than anything I ache for the stress this has put on him...he has so many other things on his mind. I am fervently praying God will bring something to me to help make ends meet, that I can find a new doctor here in MD, that Clarke won't end up selling his motorcycle. Funny though it may seem that thought just breaks my heart...we both love that bike and more so, all the memories of us going places on it together and our plans for more. It's like i put on my facebook, if God never gives us more than we can handle then He must have a lot of faith in me...because I just don't know how to process all of this. Please Lord give me the grace for this trial by fire...I know you have to be refining me somehow but all I feel is defeated and I need some supernatural strength now more than ever.

Waiting...and waiting...and waiting...

Tomorrow's the big day folks and today has been the longest ever in anticipation. I can't seem to focus on much of anything today cuz I'm ridiculously ancy about everything. At least Clarke will be here soon, that's a bright spot :-).

Yesterday I went with mom while she got her hair done and had a great time just shooting the, er, shtuff, with the salon ladies and ended up treating my self to getting nails done while I waited. I feel less like a 'real' woman every time I come home from the doctor's office that it was nice to do something really girly for myself. It's funny, but I bet most women never stop to think how much of their self and 'womanhood' is tied into their reproductive organs. Somehow you never consider how much of you is made up of the hope of having children, of functioning fundamentally how a woman should until everything gets turned upside down. I'll be honest with you...I haven't blow dried and straightened my hair since I was faced with this diagnoses and lost my job all in the same day...I've put on make-up, once, maybe? And then only half-assed. It's just hard to make the outside look pretty when you feel so screwed up internally. It's so hard to sleep at night sometimes, like I can feel the many cysts on my ovaries just by knowing they're there when they shouldn't be. That and being separated from the person I love most in the world, having to deal with the ridiculous, petty, selfish behavior of alot of people around me lately, it just takes a toll. I truly wish that people would just step outside themselves for just a moment and realize how what they do or don't do impacts those around them. But the truth is most people are easy participants in the surface....what doesn't really require much of them, but as soon as a need arises for some kind of selflessness, a sacrifice, an emotional investment, you might as well be in the Mohabe Desert...completely isolated. So much in our lives is taken for granted and it just may suprise you that in a time of need, it is never the people you hoped would be there for you that show up....and sometimes it is then that you find support in the most suprising of places. This makes me sad, but is unfortunately not something I can change. Just a passing thought, but it matters not to a dead person that you showed up to their funeral...i.e. save yourself the regrets that matter to no one and live in such a way that you nurture the relationships set before you at every opportunity.

Ok, so things went really well earlier today! I was so blessed with a nurse that actually got my bloodwork done on the very first try with minimal discomfort. She even gave me a very fetching robe to wear over my gown, a first in my experience with medical testing and that just about made my day. Although it all took an incredibly long time, I met with a pharmacist, nurse practitioner, and admitting nurse as well as the lab tech today and went over multitudes of paperwork for my upcoming surgery. Everything got the greenlight so we're full steam ahead for friday. My next concern is that it's always been very difficult to knock me out with anesthesia because redheads actually have a very hard time metabolizing it, believe it or not, so hopefully that will go smoothly. They are going to have to intubate me for the procedure (put a breathing tube down my throat) but I will be out before this is done so I shouldn't really ever know about it happening. I also met with my surgeon again and he showed me the three places they will be making incisions on my abdomen and went over everything with me again. I am booked at the hospital for 23 hours at this point but we'll see how things go with recovery before they kick me out, it may be less it may be more.

The stress of all this is absolutely taking a toll on me...I'm exhausted already and I haven't even had the procedure yet. I have to take off my ring for the procedure as well which is like going in without even the tiniest security blanket.

On a completely separate note, the favors for the wedding came in today and they are absolutely fabulous...too bad for you all those who sent in "no" response cards! You are missing out my friends, missing out. Tomorrow I'll be meeting with the salon that will be doing all the beauty for me and my girls the morning of the big day and putting deposits down...maybe I'll try to get my eyebrows waxed while there, Lord knows they need it!!! Mom suggested getting something else waxed to suprise the surgeon friday, but I think I'll pass on that one...my apologies for those of you offended easily ;-)

Bought mom's Mother's day gift today...can't wait for her to see it :-) Wish I wasn't going to be incapacitated that day but at least we'll all still be together. I really don't know how I'd do all this without her right there, walking me through all of it. I am so blessed to have a mother like her, who will drop everything to be by my side, which does more for my spirit than I think she knows. The value of something like that is just inestimable. It's amazing what God has brought to me in this difficulty...my mom who's always been there and will continue to be, Clarke who heals my heart with love and laughter when I am broken, and a friend and sister who, though we have never met, has sent daily encouragement that has bolstered me beyond understanding. I'm starting to think of them as my earthly trinity of healing lol.

Sigh...bath sounds good tonight. Off to soak.

A Crack in the Armor

So I currently find myself sweating bullets with a sincere desire to throw up. Today is all my pre-op testing at St. Joe's and I couldn't be more nervous at the prospect of blood work. The last time I was in the emergency room (around a month ago) they needed to put in an IV and managed to completely blow out the vein in my left arm which left a nasty bruise I'm still feeling the effects of today, so the prospect of having them try this scenario again is not that enticing. Especially considering that on friday I'll have to go through the whole song and dance all over again, possibly with another bruise to boot...oy vey. Clarke was very encouraging this morning as I bemoaned my fears over the phone...it was good to be reminded that I can do this and I will get through this even though, uncharacteristicly, my brovado seems to have gone the way of the white buffalo. Mark my words, I am sending the nurse straight back out if she walks in with confidence and says she's never stabbed a patient twice...famous last words. If I'd only been a drug user, I could wow them all and do it myself...

It's raining today so I've given up hope attempting anything with my hair...not that the lab techs will really care anyway...it would just be nice to pretend for at least another 30 minutes that all is as it should be and I'm just off to run some errands. Ok, that's all for now....more probably after this whole shpeel is over.

Beginnings

So here I sit before my formiddable computer screen, wondering where to start. So much has happened in the last 6 months of my life and all of it seems to be trying to fit into one enormous breath of emotion in this very moment. To get you up to date, in the last 6 months I have...

• Gotten engaged to the most wonderful man I've ever met
• Performed my first supporting role in a professional musical production
• Been invited to dance with the NYC Rockettes at Radio City for 1 week in July
• Bought my first apartment with my fiance, Clarke
• Lost my job at Music and Arts because they couldn't wait for me to move anyway

And most recently (and the driving force behind this blog)

• Been diagnosed with Endometriosis, HPV, and subsequently Stage 1 Cervical Cancer

It is all this and many more small things that have me sitting here at the moment...at the edge of my next adventure and foray into the unknown. It is here that I hope to be able to share with you my journey to wife, Rockette, and cancer survivor...to being a better, stronger, more humble woman than I am now.

The most recent news begins with the scheduling of my first major procedure to fight this Endometriosis (here on known as 'endo'...I decline to give this incurable disease the respect of it's complete moniker) is a laproscopy I have been laboring to get on the calendar for over a week. Due to God's abundant grace, this procedure has been scheduled for this friday, May 7th at 8 am at St. Jospeh's Hospital. If it had not been for His hand in all this I would have been waiting close to 4 months to have this procedure which would have been close to unbearable. I am currently on over 1000mg of painkillers every day and am rather like a zombie due to this. This procedure will actually entail going in through 3 incisions in my abdomen around my belly-button and using a camera to view the scope of this disease's damage and also to laser away as much of it as possible and possibly remove some of the cysts on my ovaries that have been causing me so much pain. This may very well significantly lessen my dependence on painkillers and allow me to regain much of my pre-illness energy! So friday's the big day....fingers crossed. Clarke and Mom and Grandma will all be at my surgery and at home to help me get through the days afterward which will be difficult, as any recovery from abdominal surgery tends to be.

Tomorrow is a day filled with pre-op testing at the hospital and the on to my OBGYN to get things squared away before surgery friday.

As nervous as I am, it will be a special treat to see my hunny this weekend...the closer our wedding day gets, the longer the days apart seem to be.

Alright, enough for one night...there will be much more I promise you that. Life like mine never seems to get dull! Til the next time and the next leg of the Adventure...