Tomorrow's the big day folks and today has been the longest ever in anticipation. I can't seem to focus on much of anything today cuz I'm ridiculously ancy about everything. At least Clarke will be here soon, that's a bright spot :-).
Yesterday I went with mom while she got her hair done and had a great time just shooting the, er, shtuff, with the salon ladies and ended up treating my self to getting nails done while I waited. I feel less like a 'real' woman every time I come home from the doctor's office that it was nice to do something really girly for myself. It's funny, but I bet most women never stop to think how much of their self and 'womanhood' is tied into their reproductive organs. Somehow you never consider how much of you is made up of the hope of having children, of functioning fundamentally how a woman should until everything gets turned upside down. I'll be honest with you...I haven't blow dried and straightened my hair since I was faced with this diagnoses and lost my job all in the same day...I've put on make-up, once, maybe? And then only half-assed. It's just hard to make the outside look pretty when you feel so screwed up internally. It's so hard to sleep at night sometimes, like I can feel the many cysts on my ovaries just by knowing they're there when they shouldn't be. That and being separated from the person I love most in the world, having to deal with the ridiculous, petty, selfish behavior of alot of people around me lately, it just takes a toll. I truly wish that people would just step outside themselves for just a moment and realize how what they do or don't do impacts those around them. But the truth is most people are easy participants in the surface....what doesn't really require much of them, but as soon as a need arises for some kind of selflessness, a sacrifice, an emotional investment, you might as well be in the Mohabe Desert...completely isolated. So much in our lives is taken for granted and it just may suprise you that in a time of need, it is never the people you hoped would be there for you that show up....and sometimes it is then that you find support in the most suprising of places. This makes me sad, but is unfortunately not something I can change. Just a passing thought, but it matters not to a dead person that you showed up to their funeral...i.e. save yourself the regrets that matter to no one and live in such a way that you nurture the relationships set before you at every opportunity.
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